This topic has been the source of debates and may never get a Thumbs up or thumbs down from all. There will always be a percentage that will say a YES and vice versa. So rather than being a judge trying to justify a stand I will try and put my thoughts on this topic in words and hope that I am able to change a little bit of mindset of one and all. In this process I may be blunt at times and may sound harsh, but please bear in mind that these are my views and opinion. I definitely don’t want to influence anyone by my opinion about Pre-Marital Sex.
When I look around carefully and observe as a third person (without getting too emotional about the topic, fact that I am a father too, but rather be practical) I see that most of the kid’s right from the school days have this attraction of exploring the unknown. 99% of them (and I would like to repeat my words) end up doing it as soon as they get in the college life if not earlier (most of the case of late is much earlier though unfortunately). I am more of a friend to various kids’ groups than an “Uncle” and most of them call me UK rather than calling an Uncle. I try to play of their age to the extent of not appearing foolish in the whole act. I talk the way do when I am with them (Yo bro, Whassup man? Types) and giving high fives and stuff. This and my other ways of talking bring them in a closer proximity to me rather than to others of my age. So at some point they know that I am their father’s age, but at the same time they are more comfortable speaking to me than their parents. It’s a kind of a child psychology which helps me bond with them well than others can and claim to have.
The interesting part is this generation looks at Sex as a very simple common just another thing in life. I was shocked to know that they have sex very casually and don’t carry it over the next day on their mind. So when a 19 year old acts, behaves and narrates his/her experience to me over the previous night without batting an eyelid, I am forced to think hard. Am I too old fashioned? Or are the coming generations racing ahead at a greater pace than they should and are making a blunder?
This topic can again be discussed separately and is vast enough to consume weeks of debate. So I will not get into that. From their narrations and confessions to me I could feel one thing strongly that they WILL have pre- marital sex, not once with one partner but with many in the process of finding the right partner. So where are we heading? The west has over influenced us and the generations of today don’t find it too difficult to swallow the fact that his/her partner has already slept with X number of males/females. Some of them even talk about it freely when they are actually about to tie a knot. Some remain “Good Friends” and even stand in the marriage pic along with the bride/groom.
So is it worth it? Why are we even discussing it? It’s bound to happen to most of them. So why don’t we treat this with a broad mind, accept certain facts and in fact help the youngsters? How do you do it? Simple… Stop being their Mother/Father/Uncle/Tauji/ Bade papa. Try and be a friend. Make them understand the risks of unprotected Sex and educate them for going in for safe sex if they are in their teens. As far as youngsters over 21 are concerned, you cannot actually tell them anything except a friendly advice to be careful in choosing their life partner. I will narrate a small incident without names and I am sure many of you may like this approach, this whole thought process.
I was at a coffee shop and was browsing through my Tab searching Flipkart and saw Poonaam Uppal’s True Love – A Mystical True Love Story on Flipkart., Looked quite impressive from the way it’s positioned on the site and then there this young friend of mine came to have a chat with me. He is about 28 and wants to get married with his Girlfriend for about 2 years. He was of the opinion that since they had a steady relationship over the last 2 years he felt they were in a position to get married. He had discussed with his girlfriend and she was okay with it, but had asked him to give some more time to the courtship. He was a bit puzzled by that answer and so he wanted my advice. Since all my friends from age 14 to 64 are very close to me we don’t have too many inhibitions. So I asked him if he has had sex with his girlfriend to which he said more than a few times in their relationship. I asked him then what he felt about the compatibility ratio in bed with her and likewise the compatibility ratio emotionally outside when they are just chatting or shopping or maybe seeing a movie together. He said he was happy in both situations and felt he was comfortable but his girlfriend felt they were more compatible emotionally rather than physically. I told him that is where the issue was and he should try to look at the micro aspects and expectations during sex from the girl’s point of view rather than just having sex for the sake of it. I explained to him that probably the girl is more sensitive and expects him to stay and cuddle up after sex rather than just get over with it and rush to the bathroom to clean up. He admitted he had never looked at this angle and promised to take care of it in the coming days.
He sure was fast enough to come back to me on this topic and came to meet me with a wedding card after a few weeks. He hugged me in a warm way and I knew why. He smiled and took me aside and said that my suggestion had worked and the girl felt more comfortable and their compatibility issue was completely resolved now and she too was eager to get married and so the Wedding card. I sent him off with my best wishes and a promise to attend his reception.
I sat back with my thinking glasses on and started penning down my thought on this topic. It is nothing new to the generation of today when we talk about Sex as they have probably had it with more people than we can imagine. Life is faster now and two people from the opposite sex come together and depart sooner than we think. They all have their sets of problems and feel after a while that their respective partner, then, is not the Mr. Right or Ms. Perfect. So they break up and move on to a new friend who they feel they have fallen in love and again after a period they break up realizing that this too was not the right choice. So the process of finalizing the Mr. Right or the Ms. Perfect takes a while and finally they feel, they have zeroed down on the right life partner. I think when this call is taken the Pre-Marital sex actually helps raise the confidence and compatibility levels of both the people involved and if they sort out issues like what my friend had they may lead a happier life post marriage. Just in case we have a couple who have been together for a good number of days and take a decision of getting married but have not had Pre-Marital sex, post marriage life may not be so happy for all of them. After all, let’s admit for once that our parent’s generation was not 100% compatible with each other and they all lived as husband wife because of the fear of the society. Separation was a stigma those days, it’s not today and tomorrow it may be a common thing. People may get more inclined on Live-in relationships rather than tying the Nuptial knot. The possibilities are many.
I sum up the whole topic this way:
- The generations of today will have sex come what may right from college days; no one’s stopping them. Let’s admit it first.
- If a couple decides to get married, it’s an encouraging thought looking at the Live-in trend which has come in. The society should stand with them.
- I am of the opinion to have Pre-Marital sex for better compatibility. In a worst case scenario, the two may just separate and decide not to tie the knot if they are not compatible in bed and avoid further post marriage issues.
I am neither a philosopher nor a reformist but I like to move with changing times. I personally was not of these views 20 years back, but when I have seen the generations over the last 20 years and the changes that have come in, I now feel that it’s perfectly fine to have Pre-Marital sex. The generation of today is broad –minded, mature to understand the sensitivity of the issue and accept things at face value. We as friends and society can only guide them, educate them and advised them to tread carefully on this path which leads to a successful marriage.
Uttpal K
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